Orgasms, whether they’re the solo kind or they happen with a partner, are pretty awesome. Not only do they feel great, but they can also alleviate stress, boost your immune system and help you sleep, among other potential benefits.
Sharing all that awesomeness with a sexual partner in the form of a simultaneous orgasm ― i.e., both partners orgasming at the same time ― can be an intimate experience that leaves the two of you feeling extra connected.
But before you embark on this sexual quest, know that the simultaneous orgasm can be difficult to attain. So if you haven’t had one yet (or ever), don’t sweat it.
“Most people think that they’re supposed to orgasm at the same time because that’s the only way we see orgasm on TV and in the movies,” sex therapist Vanessa Marin told HuffPost. “But orgasm is such a personal process, and we all have unique timelines. If you try to orgasm at the same time, you’re always going to have one person who is trying to hurry up and one person who is trying to slow down. Both partners feel like they’re doing something wrong.”
That said, if the simultaneous orgasm is something you and your partner want to try, go for it. But it might help if you’re equipped with some practical advice first. We asked sex therapists and sex educators to share their tips below:
We all have different sexual preferences and desires: One person’s turn-off is another person’s turn-on. If you want a satisfying sex life, you first need to determine what helps bring you closer to the Big O ― a certain sex toy, dirty talk, watching porn ― so you can relay that information to your partner.
“By knowing yourself sexually and not being shy about what you are into and comfortable with, you are more likely to feel confident communicating your sexual needs to your partner,” psychologist and sex therapist Janet Brito said. “Being sexually confident will help you feel more courageous to experiment with various positions, too, ones that could help you align your and your partner’s erogenous zones.”
One easy way to increase your sexual self-knowledge? Experiment with masturbation, said sex educator Chris Maxwell Rose.
“It helps if both of you have a fluency in your own pleasure,” she said. “Many of us are far from fluent, so get masturbating and pay attention to how your body builds arousal.”
Expecting your partner to read your mind is a recipe for lackluster sex. You should feel empowered to share with your partner what specific things help you orgasm and vice versa. Then, in the heat of the moment, you can let each other know how close (or far) you are from getting there, so you can try to sync up.
“If you want to orgasm together, communicating where you are in relation to your orgasm can definitely help,” said Jesse Kahn, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Collective. “If you’re close, but your partner isn’t, maybe slow down stimulation on your body for a bit while focusing on stimulating your partner’s body, and then return to whatever activities you enjoy that stimulate both of your bodies.”
No one likes a selfish lover. The best sexual experiences are enjoyable for both partners because each one is committed to the other’s pleasure.
“Once you have mapped your own arousal, you have a lot to learn about any new partner’s body and how they work,” Maxwell Rose said. “Communication is key, of course, but so is lots of time paying attention to one another, taking turns giving and receiving lots of massage, touch, oral sex, hand sex and toy play.”
Taking turns is necessary for mutually gratifying sexual relationships, Brito said.
“Focus on knowing each other’s pleasure zones and focus on mindfully touching each other,” she said. “Once you both are on the same page, let each other know what you both need to let go and have an orgasm together.”